My journey back home to Christ was painful and turbulent (I know that description is shared by many that have been saved). As a young child and adult, I spent some time in the church. I dabbled in Sunday school, went to church on special holidays, joined Wednesday night dinner and contemporary service as I got older, and I even enrolled my oldest son into Sunday school. Although I was a lukewarm “Christian” at best, I really didn’t know anything about God. I’d never read the Bible or studied His Word. I never asked questions, I always assumed God was out there somewhere but had no personal relationship with Him. I did not strive to live a Godly life, nor did I even know what that meant. I drank often and heavily, smoked cigarettes, engaged in sexual activities that were not what God would want me to do, swore, partied, and gave into every temptation that Satan placed in front of me.
After getting married and becoming a stay at home mom to 3 kids, we moved away from my hometown. I found myself getting further and further away from God. Because of this growing separation, I became more consumed by alcohol and found solace in the bottle. It was the only thing I found comfort in as I realized that the man I married wasn’t who I thought he was. I had no idea who I was. I had no idea if God really existed. And I was alone. My marriage was engrossed in addiction and abuse. I became bombarded with depression, anxiety, feelings of not being good enough, and knowing deep in my heart that even if there was a God he certainly didn’t love me or want me! I realize now that the devil was working hard on me and I fell for all his lies.
The New Age Movement
Fast forward a couple years, being at the end of my rope with daily panic attacks and suicidal thoughts, I was introduced to the New Age movement. I thought that I had FINALLY found what I was looking for. I could communicate with my guides, with Source/Universe, with the ascended masters, with spirits… I “tapped” into my “spiritual” gifts, read tarot cards, and did psychic readings for people. I thought that I had been chosen to be an ascended master. I was told in multiple readings that I had what it took to reach “enlightenment” and sit next to masters like Jesus. I even started a business with 2 other women that reached some success. We “co-created” our reality and “manifested” what we wanted our business to look like and who we wanted to work with. We taught on the rise of the divine feminine and her journey to power over the patriarch (you know the bad, white guys like God). We did online courses and retreats but we were not fulfilled. I also started my own business focusing on sacred sexuality and false teachings on Mary Magdalene and Jesus. Eventually the business we built fell apart and so did mine.
Seeking Help for My Drinking Addiction
Right before our business folded, I decided to seek help for my drinking. Even with all the spiritual work and practices I was doing, I was still consumed by alcohol. Nothing in the new age helped me to break my addiction to drinking. I joined a 12 step program and over the next 2 years I engrossed myself in working the steps. However, I was still trying to find a connection with a Higher Power that didn’t exist. I got deeper and deeper into New Age and it turned dark quick. The anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts all came back but with a vengeance this time. I felt empty and lost. It was like I was in a maze trying to find my way out. I would get glimpses of hope and then run right into another wall. I’d think that I just needed more spiritual healing, more shadow work, to love myself more etc. But none of those things helped. I was experiencing ultimate separation from God.
Then one day I stumbled across a post on social media that was talking about some outlandish conspiracy theories. You’ve probably heard about them – the Elite, the New World Order, Satanic rituals, trafficking of women and children etc. … that list could go on. Something inside me stirred. I’d seen these things before but never paid attention to them. But this time…. something was different. I started to pay attention. This time I knew that what I was seeing was Truth. As I researched these things, I started to see parallels in Luciferianism and the New Age practices I was doing. At first I didn’t think anything of it. But then I started seeing testimonies of people who had left New Age and were saved by Christ. I listened to them and cried when I realized that I had been suffering and experiencing the same things that they had. The emptiness, loneliness, chaos, never being satisfied, being fed by money, fortune and fame, anxiety, depression…. the list goes on. I had been swept up by these things too. I had been swept up by Satan without even knowing it.
Asking for Help, Finding Forgiveness
Again, something stirred in my heart so I reached out to someone that I knew was close to Christ and asked for her help. When I heard her message, she was crying. Turns out she had been praying for me to find Christ…. later on I found out that MANY people were praying for me to be led by His Spirit and surrender my life to Him.
Soon after that I asked God for forgiveness, repented for my sins, invited the Holy Spirit into my heart and completely surrendered my life over to Christ. Since that moment, I have not been the same. I am being sanctified by God and growing in my faith, in my devotion, in my love, and in grace. I no longer feel like I’m lost in a maze but on a narrow path that leads straight to God’s open arms. I have been renewed spiritually and have hope that if I can experience the mercy and grace of our loving God, then so can you.
Before I surrendered to Christ, my alcoholism was my identity. My recovery from it was dependent on other people and my own power to defeat it. Now, my identity is in Christ and my recovery is dependent upon obedience to God and how He wants me to live my life. I am a better mother, friend, daughter, partner, and overall person. My heart is still deceitful and I continue to ask God to uncover any darkness left and replace it with His love. To make my heart clean so when I stand before Him I can live eternal life with Abba, our Father.
I have so many favorite verses, but this one stuck out to me for this season of my life.
“But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light. Once you were not a people, but now you are the people of God; once you had not received mercy, but now you have received mercy.” – 1 Peter 2:9-10
God chose me. I am royalty and Holy to Him. I am so special to Him that he yanked me out of the darkness and into his Light! I was not a child of God, but I am now. I did not deserve His mercy but He gave it to me anyway. God relentlessly pursued me and He’ll relentlessly pursue you too! He wants us all to love Him and be in relationship with Him. My hope and prayer for you is that you encounter God’s grace and mercy just like I did and run towards Him, not away from Him.